I remember..

the time when I cried after getting a B for my add maths test

the time when I felt envious when someone scored higher than me

the time when I felt happy after getting my good result

the time when academic life was...my life

I had these thoughts whilst doing my Chemistry test the other day. The room was quiet, obviously. Only a quarter of the class came up and took the test. Frankly, I would've joined the other party but thinking about Ms Phang, I don't have the heart to skip her class again.

I let my mind wandered, my eyes examined the room blindly during the test. I felt numb. Thinking about my past education life just makes me sad. I never thought I'd end up being this shitty. I only answered 1/4 of the paper as I was honestly not prepared. But I didn't feel sad or disappointed at all. I felt okay though I couldn't answer the paper. With few alibis, I managed to convince myself that everything's fine. 

Come to think of it, this is not Atika. Lack of passion, lack of interest, lack of motivation, weak. This is not me. Something has been bothering me, and I need to fix it before I can go on with my normal momentum. But I don't know what went wrong. If you're able to dissect my mind, you can see Forks. All misty, blurry, gloomy. Empty. Empty is what I am.

//sigh// 

Exam is in a couple of weeks and I'm 1% ready

On a side note, it'll be nice if i can go to the zoo, or the butterfly park, or the horse riding under kl tower again.

 

Here I am, curling myself on this hard, single bed which I bet could fit one more person. Not saying that I want another person to sleep with me on the same bed now. I'm just giving you the idea on how big is my bed. Or perhaps, how small I am for such a so-called single bed. Okay, let's cut the crap shall we?

I had no intention to proceed with another yet, idea-less post. But after several tossing and turning on the bed, I decided to put my fingers & brain to use, which is still too active now. Thus explains why I couldn't get some shut eye now.

I know I could just use twitter to express whatever it is in my head. Microblogging they say. But due to several factors, I still prefer blogger to express my shits. Why?

1. Eyes everywhere
On twitter, yes. Tweets will appear on TL and everyone can read and thus

2. Self-proclaimed judges
Bring us to point 2. Yup, people judge. You cant run from that. I judge too, sometimes.

3. Misinterpretation
Due to limited characters, points that you conveyed might be misleading to some. And thus, misinterpretation, miscommunication. Example, you tweeted a song lyrics, for fun. & some would be so perasan to think that its for them. Fu k off

4.Stoopid tweets
Thus bring us back to point 2...and 3. I cant help but to sigh whenever I see some stupid, pointless tweets. I just cant. I dont wanna judge. Thus bring me back to blogging. Its quite peaceful here 

5.Stalking?
God, believe me I hate stalking. But sometimes I do it without thinking. And I end up feeling down asdfhjkj

6.Good time killer
I gotta admit, i wasted a lot of my time here. Which is not healthy since I am a student with commitment.

Nevertheless, I still use twitte

What the fak did I just write a long ass paragraph about twitter NO IM NOT ADDICTED

Moving on

Moving on

Damn I did write about twitter. I'm so lifeless :(
Well I'm currently restricting myself... no twitter during school day. Because i got to study.
I want straight Aaaaaaaa star

Bye

Spoiler?

In the end, everyone decided to give up on me.

Cliche.

I need another story, something to get off my chest. 

Yes to I still think about you. 

Yes to I still dream of you.

Yes to I still keep your photographs

Yes to I still hear the songs

Yes to I still wear the shirts

Yes to I still flick through the album 

Yes to I never love you any less 

don't read

I'm such a bad friend
I get angry easily. But I contain the anger to myself, all the time. I know, to establish a healthy human relationship (in general), honesty is a virtue. You give and take, yes I do know that. But I don't dare to express my honest opinion sometimes. I don't dare to say no to a friend in need.

Don't get me wrong, I don't fake my opinion. Rather, I'd fake a smile? Or not giving any opinion at all.
But I have my own life :( !!! I'm not tailored to your needs!
I feel like shouting "WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!"
i don't fancy group hangouts, wtf 

But I love all my friends sincerely

Ugh fuck it, sometimes I feel like locking myself in a room. & recently, it occurs to me that having a smartphone with internet is a bad idea.

Habit? Wabbit

I've this bad habit of

1. correcting people's fact in my head.

2. reason someone's opinion and secretly prepare several argumentative points in my head.

3. -------------------

4. imagining your face distorted to further calm myself when I'm talking to you

5. extracting life lessons from sciences, during class

6. creating nonsensical pick-up lines during class (science based pick up lines, sadly my success rate is zero)

7. you know Grimms? I always imagine myself being the dragon lady, Damonfeuer, or the werewolf Blutbad,
    exist in human form but monster on the inside. Revealing the monster in me when in danger. Eat the bad         guys, travel at a high speed, no worries walking alone because I'm invincible

8. eavesdropping people's conversation and try to picture the whole scene in my head

9. imagine myself as a rockstar, or Lana Del Rey

10. listening to youtube covers and imagining myself doing the cover instead, million views baby

11. creating dance moves on the road

12. creating a romantic scene in ma head whenever I listen to love song, with who?  ;)

Unconscious thinking.

Unconsciousness. 
Unconscious urges.
Unmet needs.
People seek to fulfill these urges through the process of dreaming since they cannot fulfill them in real life.

Waking up to the sound of my hand phone. Funny how I automatically checked my phone to look for everything. It's almost a reflex. A reflex action? Something that is done automatically, unconsciously? My vision was still blur from the long sleep I had. My mind was still looking for the sanity after the weird dream I had. I felt like I was standing in between reality and imagination. That and the brightness of my phone screen sums up why I had massive headache just now. It disgusts me how I unconsciously look at my phone every time I wake up. Conclude that I'm too caught up with technology. What have I become? It'll be better if I wake up & do something more productive instead; like saying prayers maybe? Shall train my brain to do that from tomorrow onward.

Referring to the statement earlier mentioning about dreams, I had a weird dream just now. The thing about me is that I can remember my dreams vividly. & I keep repeating the scenes in my head and that is quite depressing. I never thought of anyone in that dream and yet they appeared. I never met the people in my dream and yet we were buddies. What does it tell? I can only conclude one thing; I do think about these people unconsciously. No point denying it, my unconsciousness have proven it.

And another thing; definitely not a good morning. 
mood spoiler

No idea post

I've been wanting to write lately even though I'm lacking of ideas. I guess the sound of the clicking keyboards is rather therapeutic..? Weird Atika is weird.

So, last last Saturday, I went to a school in Kapar to teach (Haha imagine me being a teacher pfft). This time around, I decided to teach English. I know my English sucks ball but I'm so bored teaching mathematics. Believe me, I suck without calculator.

I entered the class room to see only few students were there. I'm not gonna teach the whole class, duh. I saw  a Malay boy sitting at the corner of the class, aged 14 to 15 maybe? I'm not being selective here but I guess I should try to teach my own  race now because it would be easier to communicate when theyre well-versed in Bahasa. I can't speak Tamil or Chinese, so...
As the one who teaches, I hate it when the situation becomes so formal. I aim to keep it casual, yet still beneficial to the student.

And yes, I managed to make the shy boy talked! Found out that his favorite subject is English. & his interest lies in the field of language. But he admit that he can't speak, write, or understand English that much. After telling him several tips to learn English, including getting a dictionary, he went on by saying "Saya dah kumpul duit nak beli dictionary, tapi ayah tak suka saya cakap bahasa inggeris. Dia tak bagi saya beli dictionary." That statement broke my heart. Someone with so much potential  not getting any support from the most important person in their life. Seriously, I never thought this kind of mentality still exists?

But come to think of it, I too had received some negative feedback when I tried speaking in English. I do love English once. I spoke in English sometimes but instead of getting some support, I received comments saying "bajet la". It was quite depressing to the extend where I no longer speak in English. & my English skill deteriorates since then. AND I NO LONGER LOVE LANGUAGE TILL NOW.

Okay, back to the little boy's story, I was so touched by his genuine passion that I gave him my brand new, tak baca lagi reader's digest. I promised him I'd come back. I will. To see someone in need of help, I can't just sit still and not contribute anything.

And thus, this is also an appreciation post to my parents. I came to realize that not every parents are as supportive as mine. Though my mother can't speak English that much, she will do anything to make sure I can at least speak in English. My father who will always give endless support, in every forms to make me a better human. Thank you ma & pa.

emo post

I am the type of girl who is easily influenced by songs & lyrics.
"Run" by Leona Lewis is playing in my iPod right now. 

Sad lyrics, sad rhythm. 

Call me a dramatic but I could relate some things to the lyrics. Things that I don't want to remember. Things that I barely acknowledge as memories. Things that I forgot I had once. 

And fuck me, it's only 3.46 p.m. I'm disobeying the law of being emotional. Haha, not saying that there is a fixed time to emo. But, come to think of it, who the hell emo in the evening? After class some more. Okay, I believe that's not the issue.

Seriously, I just want to get over this phase. It's been some time since I had those butterflies in my tummy kinda thing. I'm not interested to experience it again, for now. Really. But, feelings are inevitable. I tried to push it away but degil sangat datang balik at times :( 

I think I'm just playing my role as a girl, a teenage girl with unstable emotion really well huh.

Triple Town

You know when I see two identical objects positioned adjacently, I'll imagine the third one coming and they'll form a new object. Just like those in Triple Town.

I just love Triple Town. I play it all day errday. I'M ADDICTED
Anyway Eid is nearing and I can't help but to think of him a little! This year was supposed to be our 3rd Raya together. My failure i guess. You know what I learned during Biology? At the synapse, when the action potential is received consecutively, our neuron will eventually accommodate to it & our body then would not produce any action to the stimulus. Maybe I've been dealing with this sadness repetitively until I learn how to adapt. Well, that's good right? I don't know.

DuSsTyY

Ah, my blog! For a moment, I cannot believe that I have a blog. Lol, who would've thought that a girl like me would write. I always thought I suck at expressing myself. Anyway, sorry for the very very long hiatus. For some reason, I couldn't and I don't want to open this blog. I'm not strong enough back then. Not saying that I am now. It's just that, I managed to accommodate.

Anyway, I should be writing my Personal Statement now. Which I really don't know how to write. Damn, how to impress those British dudes with my writing. That is not solid!!! Unfair. It's definitely a disadvantage to me. Come on, I prefer an interview!

Speaking of Education, I know I'm a dead meat after I finish my A-level. Say I got a placement in a Uni (which I hope I will! Amin), I still don't know who will sponsor my tuition fee!!!!! Takkan lah mahu suruh Bapa bayar semua, kasihan kasihan. Cannot cannot. Screw it.

Anyway, result will be out in 2 weeks time. I AM GOING TO DIE! I just hope I got As Many As!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO THAT MY FORECAST WILL LOOK GOOD AND THEM BRITISH PEEPS WILL LIKE ME. PLease please please

Everything happens for a reason
Everything happens for a reason
Everything happens for a reason

Oh how I wish I knew what's the logical reason behind all these drama(s)

Too tired to be sad
Too tired to be angry
Too tired to feel lonely
Too tired to hate
Too tired to love

Sure, I just let it passed. And right now, I'm feeling numb. Well, at times, of course it will come and haunt me. But.. at least not all the time.


Come one, where's the humanity in you

Dec

Haven't updated myself here for such a long time. Kinda lost that mojo in writing, I don't know what happened. I'm too caught up in studies and life drama(s). Well now I'm on my break until January; study break to be exact.

Life has not been so good to me lately. Well, that's normal right. At least I survived! And I'm still physically and mentally alive. I'm just too tired dealing with all of the drama(s) that I shouldn't even think about at the first place. Sucks being a woman, over-think, over-react, over-expect.

I NEED A CHILL PILL 

Exam is coming in 3 weeks time. Fucking important exam I need to score to apply Uni. Oh, I really hope I would get good result and good university placement there. Away from here, away from all of these shitloads of dramas. I just want to start a new chapter, meet new people, and discover my inner-self.

Is that too much to ask? 

C-c-c-ollege

They said College would be sucks. That was bullshit. College is totally wonderful. Really.

I registered alone. Literally alone. My mother just dropped me off at the main university. With plenty documents in my hand, I tried to look as calm as I could that day. Of course it was a nervous and some what important event of my life. Registering to college, for the first time. Alone. Haha, but I'm used to it, doing stuff alone. To summarize it all up, everyone was wonderful, friendly. I'm really glad by that part; friendly people. The orientation mainly revolved around "subjects briefing, scholarship application, how to choose suitable subjs" etc etc. It was okay, but kinda boring. But I was so glad there's no crappy orientation event like aerobic, ragging and whatnot.

Enough with orientation story (it was a 2 day orientation). It has been almost two weeks since class has started. I got to say that I feel kinda lost in class. I've been placed in a specific group for the recipients, which is Group K. I don't even know what's the point of them doing that. Why can't they just let us mix with others too. Okay, maybe I won't see the reason now, but hopefully one day I'll understand. Being in those group, like I said, really make me feel small, inferior somehow. They are so ultimately genius kiddos. It took me some times to recall back what I've learnt, and I usually don't have answers when the lecturer asked random Qs. I feel really low. But I know this is good. This kind of feeling will eventually boost my spirit, thus creating a good momentum.

I met so many wonderful people here. I can't name them all, ahaha. I love my college mates. I know it's only been a week or so since we know each other, but they're really nice. I can't help it but to give them my love :p I hope this kind of social circle I'm having will maintain, or maybe better after this. But *sigh*, I still miss my school play mates, I miss you girls, you know who you are. I wish we went to the same college. Hihi, that would be fun right.

As for studies, I don't know what got into me nowadays. I feel like I've lost my good, positive aura within me.  I've absolutely no mood to study. This is not good. The only time where I would study is during lectures. Back to hostel, or home, it's really hard to study. Look at me now, I should be studying instead of typing this. hahaha. I've to get my mojo back in studying. It's a must. I'm not a kiasu like what some people claimed me to be. It's just that, I've my reason why I've to study really hard, and constant. My brain works differently from others. It's a bit slow, and it requires lots of revising, memorising and stuff like that to increase its efficiency. I know my capability. I've my own way of studying. Maybe some of you guys are born-genius, lucky those people. Anyway, after this, back to revising. I think I've forgot almost 50% of the past lectures. Hahaha.

This one was from Bio Practical. The lecturer herself asked us to take our camera and captured the result, through the eyepiece! I find it funny, hihi. This is Lyana's. I don't wanna show mine, hodoh :p

Oh yeah, during weekdays I'm staying at Help Residency. My room mate won't be back until September. How cool is that? Having the room to yourself, all the time. Not cool, I'm a freaking Scaredy Cat. It was hard during my first day there, hahaha, especially when the air-cond keeps making loud noises. Anyway, good things come in the morning. I live on level 12. And I can see nice scenery through my window. :)

7+ am in the morning :)

The sun is about to rise!

Night view, and also I found out that my iPad's camera is able to take bokeh pics, how wonderful!

Amir left yesterday. He got the offer to India for Medicine and I believed he was forced to accept the offer. I don't know what to say. Personally, I think one should have the right to plan their own future, and voice out their own opinion. But anyhow, everything happens for a reason. We might not see it now, but we will, in the future. Good luck future Dr. Amir. You'll do great.

Last photo of him at Help Uni 

I think that's about it. Will update from time to time. All of the photos above were taken using my iPad's camera. Starting to love the camera :)

Help!

There are only two things in my check list. Comforter set and boxes. See how clueless I am when it comes to preparing stuff? I haven't receive any e-mail regarding the stuffs needed. I haven't packed my bags! Argh I can't believe it's only next week.

I'll be entering college real soon. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling right now. But the most prominent feeling is...I'm scared. My current bloody brain's composition is 10% factual 90% cartoon. I'm soo not ready to swap those two :( 

Assalamualaikum and Hello.

For the past two days, I managed to make full use of my free time(yay, finally). Last Saturday, I decided to ajak Kiki keluar with me. I thought it had been a long time since I met my human friends. I fetch her and we went to Wangsa Walk. Oh and my mum tagged along, because she wanna go to Carefour. The first thing we did when we entered wwalk was..MAKANNNN. Me+Kiki=Monster. So we went to A&W. Ordered a BIG root beer with float. And yes, few food. Hahaha. So, we talked and talked then suddenly Amir Hamzah txt me and asked me and Kiki to teman him to Help College. So, yeah. Ma took the car back and we took the LRT to KL Sentral. 

We (Kiki, Amir, Me) sesat like hell from KL Sentral to Damansara. Hahaha, it was funny shit mangg, I can't describe it here lol. Daripada nak pergi ke Damansara terus tersasar ke Ampang. So last-last, Amir asked me to drive his mpv. Like dude I never drive a MPV! Hahaha, but it was worth the shot. I had fun messing around with his Honda Wald car :p See, when I drove the car, no sesat at all! haha. But luck was not on our side as Help closed on Saturday HAHAA. Damn, so again, Amir asked me to drive to The Curve. Wrong move brother, I never tinggal at Damansara, I dont know the jalan here. So as expected, sesat! But finally sampai juga. Kahkahkah. But it was a day well spent. I had fun and sakit perut gelak here and there. 

Oh and semalam, was a really wonderful day. I went out with Emil. Well, it was too wonderful to even translated into words here. So, yeah. I had so much fun with my man. 

And I was like, 

"Emil, I'm your Gia and you're my Alex" Kahkahkah. 

Or

You can be my King Julien and I'm your Sonya :P



Hahaha, until then,
xo

Hi, how are you?

I ran out of ideas on what to write.

So, recently my hormones have monopolized my emotion. For one second, I'm happy. Then, I'm sad. And the cycle goes on and on. Due to super banyak free time, I tend to think teruk-terukly and create lots of mess in my head. Seriously, at first my mind macam, so serene, relaxed.. and then it became haywire! That's my problem. I need a good, beneficial DISTRACTION, so that there will be no mind-self-destruction.

I've been listing out few plans to do.. One of it, of course spending my time with fellow friends. Talking about 'lepak', sebelum ni I think I kurang jumpa my friends compared dengan dulu-dulu. Honestly, I chose to be socially awkward. Reason? Maybe I need some 'me' time. I don't see any reason of not doing it. Everyone deserves their 'me' time. At least I still interact with my friends in the social networking. That's the use of it anyway, right? Some claimed that I'm being sombong. Just say what you want to say. I need a break from life dramas for a while. But it is a short self-vacation.

Eventho we rarely meet each other, I still secretly hold a meeting with you guys in my brain. No, I'm not a psychopath. I just love imagining. Imagine, and reminiscing. Maybe, its more to reminiscing. If I said I'm imagining you guys in my head, it would sound psychotic eh. So, I'm reminiscing the good memories me and my friends had back then. Maybe, in this way I'll appreciate them more.

Haih, kesitu pula pergi. Okay, running out of words already.

I rarely upload photo dekat sini. So I guess here's one. Goodnight everyone.

“Knock, And He'll open the door

Vanish, And He'll make you shine like the sun

Fall, And He'll raise you to the heavens

Become nothing, And He'll turn you into everything.”  

Assalamualaikum, Peace be upon you.

Biru

Beautiful, incredibly beautiful 

Burn, baby, burn.

Assumptions, Why am I afraid of this word. No, I'm not afraid of the word. I'm afraid of the meaning. I dislike assumptions. I hate assumptions to be more exact. Yes, they said we didn't live to please everybody. I'm not an ignorant, but.. I just hate assumptions. 

Throughout all these tough years in MRSM, I've heard so many rumours about me. Some of them are good, some of them, beyond negative! Fake! They're being so judgemental. Maybe that has shaped me to be a 'trying-to-please-everyone' girl. Rationally, why do you need to please those who is not related to you? 

The closest examples I can give are; 

Last time, I decided to colour my hair. I thought of transforming it to Red Vivid, or light purple. Haha, crazy right? But then, as I entered the salon, I thought to myself, "Haih, what will the society think when they see me with such hair colour?" Having random thoughts, finally I chose a violet black colour. Do you know how does violet black looks like? It's just black colour, but a little bit of violet when the hair is exposed under the sun, or  you can see a little bit of violet if you look closely. And the fun part is, my BASE hair colour is already black. So, Violet Black applied to Black? Exactly, originally black. Lol, my RM200 just wasted like that. Only because I'm afraid of what will others think when they see my vivid hair colour. Sad, isn't it?

I am an active Tumblr n Twitter user. Of course, I use both to express my current feelings, or opinions. There are several times when I did draft few tweets. The moment when I wanna click the 'send' button is when the hesitation occur. And again, I thought "What would they think if I tweet like this? Or maybe someone might get hurt by my statement. Or maybe they will look down on me if I tweet like this." Too many "maybe" and "what ifs". Thus, I decided not to send the the tweets.

Stating the obvious, yes, I have kinda low self-confidence.

Seriously, I don't even want to please everybody. I live my own life and so do you. But then again, I can't help it. I'm not even the nice-girl type. Not even close to it, I think. Now, I'm really looking forward to enter college. So I can re-shaped my attitude. Be more tough, gain more self-confidence. Less socially awkward. Less reserved. Maybe I should have less negative assumptions? Cause this bad perception about me really disturb my emotion. Thus, I can't really focus in my studies thinking how to resolve this so-called problem. Stupid! That's the word. I should be more invincible. I should.

Everyday is a War to me.

My mind, its the Battlefield. 

When and where can I find tranquillity?                  

Vivid Dream

The flood.. Yes, the flood. It's not the usual flood. Its something I've never seen. The water wipes away all the things on the road. I guess it has high pressure, if not how come all the things that were attached to the ground can detached and wiped away. I heard people screaming, I saw people running back and forth because there's absolutely no way out. I headed up to the top. Jumping, running, climbing. I did the things I never thought I could; just to save my life from the pressurized water.

It was havoc! Is it The Day? I felt so cold, so scared. Is it too late for me to repent? Suddenly I saw few fireballs from the sky! Big Fireballs hitting the ground! Swoosh! Everything's gone. I stared with eyes wide open.

"Lord! Forgive my sins! Give me one more chance my Lord to repair my mistakes! Please Lord, give me another chance..Give me at least a day to do something that's right. Please my Lord." -Those were the words that came from my mouth. I wanted to repent. Nobody needs to say what day it was, everybody knows. Things like this will happened. Someday. I know it's too late for me to repent. But I keep on praying, very hard. I cried like a baby. Cried and cried.

Then, the fireballs stopped, the flood has gone.

And....... I open my eyes. It's 8.30 a.m. Thursday. Tears fall down my face, and I thought; "Allah really gave me a second chance."