(:

Cobaan

So last night I went to see the doc. Unfortunately, *sigh* bad luck. It's positive :( And my Cortisol hormone (immune booster) is low.

Sekarang ni, saya rasa sangat bersalah terhadap my parents. Because this is life time medication, and of course they have to pay for my medicine sampai lah saya ada duit sendiri.

And last night, we beli medication for 2 months since I'm going for 2 months. And guess how much does it cost?
Almost RM1,000.

T_T

Thank God Its Friday

Hello everybody :3

So, I guess I'm all excited about the Friday thingy. Well not exactly excited, I'm feeling sad too. Well, bercampur baur lah kan like ABC. Lols. I can't really imagine myself being away from every single problems, every people that I love, hate whatever for 2 months. I'm not sure myself if I can actually handle this. Well, they say distance is only physical aite? We'll see how it goes.

Today I went out to see my beautiful friend, Nurul Aisyah Ismail. She said she wanted to surprise me with something, but it turned out that I'm the one who surprised her, hihi :P I actually can figured out what she was trying to surprise me, she is somehow predictable xP Well, I managed to go out with my headscarf on, pheww, what a day, I was not okay at first as this is something new for me, I mean going to the mall with headscarf on. Once upon a time, I always thought that wearing headscarf was so not me, so not going to happen, lol I don't know what had polluted my mind back then, haihh the power of British's propaganda, works so well among the teenagers today aite :S Alhamdulillah I managed to maintain it today, throughout the day, I hope this will last. But I'm not promising anything to my mom, or anyone. I can't say that I'm going to be like this forever, but it will be, with time. Baby steps, right?

Like what Emil said to me last time,
I asked him, saying that "I really don't know when to start, :("
The he replied, "I know when. When you are willing to change not for your parents, not for me, not for anybody, but for yourself. When you are willing to make that commitment and stick with it no matter what. And most importantly when you feel like you are ready to be the best of muslimah. Okay? When you are ready okay? Yang penting the consistency." Ahaha, his words got me thinking. And I'm really glad he's being supportive. :)

Ahah, so back to cerita dengan Aisyah, like I said, she's predictable. I knew already last night that she would surprise me by wearing her tudung, and bingo! I guess I'm good at guessing :P She looks so pretty with her tudung on :) Seems like both of us are in the same boat. Confused, dilemma, blablabla. Haha!

Tadi we watched Songlap, lol! The movie was okay, but kind of tragic, scary lah tengok life orang yang macam tu lah. Really bersyukur I dilahirkan dalam keadaan family yang okay, everything okay lah! Then after movie, met Afifahana and Anis, my two small devils from my former school. Hihi, still the same lah, kuat gossip one! So last2, I went back to Fifa's home, borak2 and reminiscing good ol' time. I miss Kubang Pasu :)

Okay enough said, and let the pictures do the talking aite. :)

The left one is Afifahana, and the right one is Aisyah.

 bahaha Aisyah nampak awkward :3

 Fifa, my best friend since 2007 yaww :D

 Aisyah kena buli dalam toilet hihihi!

 Fifa the one with Telur shape face >.<

 Good day with good friends

 Haha, yours truly

 Ok now i look so geeky with my spec on -,-"

 Bakal Accountant and Neurologist, insyaAllah :D

Yeayy :D

Okay, too many pic pun not good kan, hihi okay then
so long
cheers
xxx

Medicine

Hello, oh I just realize how geeky I sound when I put the title 'Medicine' to this entry, but who cares :B

Medicine? Hmm, truth be told, medicine is something that I always wanted to study. In my Dream list, you can say that Medicine is on the top most thing that I wanted to pursue, hihi. Okay I'm not here to share with you guys  why I am really interested in Medicine and whatnot.

So, recently I had a fever, a bad one I guess. So, I finally decided to go to seek for medication, as I'm afraid it would be bacterial infection, or viral infection, worse. I thought antibiotic would do good to me. When consulting with the doc, alhamdulillah it was only a normal fever. But as I was about to finish with him, he said something that sent some kind of chill down to my spine, "Saya tengok awak ni macam ada penyakit lain lah.". Then he examined me upside down, and he said he wanted to share something with me. He brought out a very thick, hard cover book from his drawer entitled "Endocrinology". Then, the word 'hormone' suddenly struck through my head,-so much for a biology student like me :p

Then, he showed me few pages. There were few pictures, all symptoms, and sadly some of them matches with mine, i.e swelling eyes, i can fold my hand 90 degrees upwards, yellowing palm, and more. When the doc asked few question, and sadly again, i answered 'yes' to most of them.

One of the question he asked that got me alert; "Awak selalu tak stress? I mean eventho problem tu kecik je sebenarnya, tapi awak fikir serious sangat sampai jadi stress tak tentu hala." Whoah, YES DOCTOR, YES!!

So, summarized it all, maybe I've a disease, a common one actually, but it might get worse if its not treated. It is.. haihh hypothyroidism. Dangg, low thyroid hormone level :(. The effects are, I'll get old before time. Hair loss, Memory fading away, decrease in intelligence level, worse, maybe I can't be pregnant. Okay, that's bad. But, this disease is not confirmed yet until this Wednesday. So, yeahh just pray for the best. If not, I would take medication (its levothyroxine if I'm not mistaken, synthetic thyroid hormone) for life. That sounds.. not cool aite :/

Anyway, like I said this disease is not confirmed yet until Wednesday. Well, I'll just pray the blood test is negative hypothyroidism. >.<

One step closer.

Hello, after all the emo post(s) lol, now here I am, tak emo dah. ahaa.

So, recently I can see that lots of my friends finally change their path, to a be a better person. How can we define a 'better' person? When it comes to defining, of course there are lots of definition, points of view and opinion regarding a 'better' person. But in this case, I would like to specified on this area; wearing a headscarf.

Yes, everyone knows the fact that wearing a headscarf is something compulsory, it's not an option. But lots of people today thought there is actually an option; whether to wear or not, its their choice (including me actually). I know it is a wrong thing to do. To be honest, I live in guilt okay, every time I want to step out of the house, guilt surrounds me, part of me really wants to head back inside and wear a headscarf, but another part of me saying it's okay, maybe I'm not ready for the big change, yet. And thus majority goes to the 2nd part of me.

If you ask me, I really don't know when is actually the best time for me to change? I really should change :( But I don't know.. I'm not ready yet, this is something big, something new for me, going outside covering every single strands of my hair. I don't want to be like certain girls today. From what I observed, some people wear their headscarf because they are following the current fashion trends. For instant, some girls wear their headscarf, but they wear outfit which are not suitable for muslimah. Tight, not covering their hands, arms, transparent, those are some characteristic of clothes that are not suitable for muslimah. I don't understand why they wear headscarf just to follow the fashion trend. To me, wearing headscarf is something that is really noble, something that leads me closer to Allah, I don't need to follow the current fashion trend to be closer to Allah, do I? And when that one fine day come, I really want to change for good, I want to change my personality, my attitude, everything. I really want to be closer to my Creator.

And that is why I am kind of sad looking at some girls wearing headscarf but their personality does not represent a good muslimah. I'm not saying I'm going to be a very good muslimah, but we have to minus all the obvious negative things, kan?

Guys, please pray that I have enough strength and guts to wear a headscarf, to maintain it, and to be a better muslimah soon? And I pray that all my friends will change to a better person, from bad to good, from good to better, from better to the best. :)

xoxo

With times,

Hello there. I've come to realize that I've been running away for such a long time. Words from my mouth can be wrong or right, affected by my ego-ness, my emotion, and whatnot, but the one that comes from the heart can't never be wrong. So, here I am, spilling out the words from the heart, not affected by emotion, or egoism.

I really miss my friends back in Taiping, the 'Sopan' Crew, the budak-budak lelaki yang tak pernah nak matang, but I love them anyways. And us all, as a whole, I really miss them, like shit.

lolol, I really missed the moment we buat havoc sana sini macam orang gila, macam orang tak reti nak sedar-sedar yang SPM is just few months away, and tak sedar-sedar yang we actually dah 17 years old. Hahaha, I've got to be honest, I was hurt, I knew I was wrong, but not fully wrong, you really cannot put all the blame on me right. Oh, how I wished I could turn back time, and fixed every single shits that I made. 

Thus, with times, I really hope that I could still fix the problem, I'll try not to run away from you guys. You guys are splendid, really. But you know, there are always two sides of every stories kan. 

And I seriously owe you guys a very big apology for all my wrongdoings, hope we can clear things up. You guys are good friends <3 It's just me who maybe have masalah dalaman lol. Haha, till then okay. xoxo.

Hibernation

Yes, so called bertahannuth and hibernation.
So, last time I did tell Najah and Kiki that I will isolate myself from all of you after SPM, and that is what I'm doing right now. It seems unfair, jyeah, I've been really really sombong with my friends, especially budak budak Taiping. Well, I'm sorry that you interpret my action in the wrong way, the other way around, well maybe, if any terasa dengan saya, I'm really sorry, I just need some time alone, for a while maybe.

I'm sick. It's not that I'm running away from my problems, lol you could say that, but I'm actually taking a day, or maybe lots of days off. I'm tired, my brain needs some rest. And at this time of my life, maybe I'll concentrate more to my family, and of course me corozon. I just need to refresh everything jyeah, my brain has been contaminated with lots of negative stuff throughout this years. I just need to delete all those bad thoughts, bad comments, bad perceptions, all those bad things and only leave the good things inside my head. I'm not running away from problems, I just need some time to reboot.

I'm really weally tired, really. Huh..

I really don't know how to make everyone happy, really -_-"
I feel like dividing myself mitotically so that I could multitask, and have enough energy, power or whatever it is to make everyone happy.

And now I really feel like migrating into a new place and start everything again,
And again, I'm not running away from my problems -,-
And I'm not the type that takes things for granted
And I do cherished every moments
And I do appreciate every single good things that people did to me
And I do feels grateful that god gives me these beautiful people to always be by my side through thick and thin
And I do love them, him, her, a lot, more than they could ever imagine

And I'm a coward, yes I am. I don't really approach, Its not that I don't want to, Its because I'm scared.
I'm scared of hurting them in every way, I'm scared of losing them,
If you could see right through my heart, you will know how much I love you, how much I wanted to be around you, how much I wanted to lepak lepak and talk to you for hours, mate.


I'm just a stupid, coward girl in a mess, and I ended up don't know what to do to fix it
And I chose to keep quiet.
Hoping that you would actually know how I feel, how I see things,

I thought you understand and know me that much.