Thursday, May 31, 2012

Hi, how are you?

I ran out of ideas on what to write.

So, recently my hormones have monopolized my emotion. For one second, I'm happy. Then, I'm sad. And the cycle goes on and on. Due to super banyak free time, I tend to think teruk-terukly and create lots of mess in my head. Seriously, at first my mind macam, so serene, relaxed.. and then it became haywire! That's my problem. I need a good, beneficial DISTRACTION, so that there will be no mind-self-destruction.

I've been listing out few plans to do.. One of it, of course spending my time with fellow friends. Talking about 'lepak', sebelum ni I think I kurang jumpa my friends compared dengan dulu-dulu. Honestly, I chose to be socially awkward. Reason? Maybe I need some 'me' time. I don't see any reason of not doing it. Everyone deserves their 'me' time. At least I still interact with my friends in the social networking. That's the use of it anyway, right? Some claimed that I'm being sombong. Just say what you want to say. I need a break from life dramas for a while. But it is a short self-vacation.

Eventho we rarely meet each other, I still secretly hold a meeting with you guys in my brain. No, I'm not a psychopath. I just love imagining. Imagine, and reminiscing. Maybe, its more to reminiscing. If I said I'm imagining you guys in my head, it would sound psychotic eh. So, I'm reminiscing the good memories me and my friends had back then. Maybe, in this way I'll appreciate them more.

Haih, kesitu pula pergi. Okay, running out of words already.

I rarely upload photo dekat sini. So I guess here's one. Goodnight everyone.


“Knock, And He'll open the door
Vanish, And He'll make you shine like the sun
Fall, And He'll raise you to the heavens
Become nothing, And He'll turn you into everything.”  

Assalamualaikum, Peace be upon you.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Burn, baby, burn.

Assumptions, Why am I afraid of this word. No, I'm not afraid of the word. I'm afraid of the meaning. I dislike assumptions. I hate assumptions to be more exact. Yes, they said we didn't live to please everybody. I'm not an ignorant, but.. I just hate assumptions. 

Throughout all these tough years in MRSM, I've heard so many rumours about me. Some of them are good, some of them, beyond negative! Fake! They're being so judgemental. Maybe that has shaped me to be a 'trying-to-please-everyone' girl. Rationally, why do you need to please those who is not related to you? 

The closest examples I can give are; 

Last time, I decided to colour my hair. I thought of transforming it to Red Vivid, or light purple. Haha, crazy right? But then, as I entered the salon, I thought to myself, "Haih, what will the society think when they see me with such hair colour?" Having random thoughts, finally I chose a violet black colour. Do you know how does violet black looks like? It's just black colour, but a little bit of violet when the hair is exposed under the sun, or  you can see a little bit of violet if you look closely. And the fun part is, my BASE hair colour is already black. So, Violet Black applied to Black? Exactly, originally black. Lol, my RM200 just wasted like that. Only because I'm afraid of what will others think when they see my vivid hair colour. Sad, isn't it?

I am an active Tumblr n Twitter user. Of course, I use both to express my current feelings, or opinions. There are several times when I did draft few tweets. The moment when I wanna click the 'send' button is when the hesitation occur. And again, I thought "What would they think if I tweet like this? Or maybe someone might get hurt by my statement. Or maybe they will look down on me if I tweet like this." Too many "maybe" and "what ifs". Thus, I decided not to send the the tweets.

Stating the obvious, yes, I have kinda low self-confidence.

Seriously, I don't even want to please everybody. I live my own life and so do you. But then again, I can't help it. I'm not even the nice-girl type. Not even close to it, I think. Now, I'm really looking forward to enter college. So I can re-shaped my attitude. Be more tough, gain more self-confidence. Less socially awkward. Less reserved. Maybe I should have less negative assumptions? Cause this bad perception about me really disturb my emotion. Thus, I can't really focus in my studies thinking how to resolve this so-called problem. Stupid! That's the word. I should be more invincible. I should.

Everyday is a War to me.
My mind, its the Battlefield. 
When and where can I find tranquillity?                  

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Vivid Dream

The flood.. Yes, the flood. It's not the usual flood. Its something I've never seen. The water wipes away all the things on the road. I guess it has high pressure, if not how come all the things that were attached to the ground can detached and wiped away. I heard people screaming, I saw people running back and forth because there's absolutely no way out. I headed up to the top. Jumping, running, climbing. I did the things I never thought I could; just to save my life from the pressurized water.

It was havoc! Is it The Day? I felt so cold, so scared. Is it too late for me to repent? Suddenly I saw few fireballs from the sky! Big Fireballs hitting the ground! Swoosh! Everything's gone. I stared with eyes wide open.

"Lord! Forgive my sins! Give me one more chance my Lord to repair my mistakes! Please Lord, give me another chance..Give me at least a day to do something that's right. Please my Lord." -Those were the words that came from my mouth. I wanted to repent. Nobody needs to say what day it was, everybody knows. Things like this will happened. Someday. I know it's too late for me to repent. But I keep on praying, very hard. I cried like a baby. Cried and cried.

Then, the fireballs stopped, the flood has gone.

And....... I open my eyes. It's 8.30 a.m. Thursday. Tears fall down my face, and I thought; "Allah really gave me a second chance."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Pressure

I would like to ask a very simple question. It's a Yes or No question, simple aite? It only took you around few seconds to answer.

Can you work under pressure?


Yes? No?
I'll mark your words and we will see the validity of your answer; for a long term.
Usually, in an interview session, most people will brag about themselves. I too have claimed that I can work under pressure. It would not be a problem for me. I said that, before knowing what is the taste of the real world


Everyone claims that Medicine is one of the hardest course. Some might said that its the hardest course. But funny thing is, the hardest course is the most popular course among students. Yes? No? I wouldn't want to elaborate on that. Everyone has their own reason, goal, mission; short-term or long-term. The Hardest, The Toughest, all is equivalent to Maximum Pressure will be exerted. Question is,am I that hardcore to withstand all the pressure? In an interview, yes I can always say "Oh, I've prepared myself mentally and physically to handle all the workload." Am I bulshitting the interviewer? Yes, maybe. Its a lie. But I am pretty convinced that the 'lie' will eventually become a reality. InsyaAllah, who knows I'll be the toughest chick (mentality wise).

Okay, why am I suddenly talking about 'pressure'? Before this, I thought I've a strong mentality, able to withstand all the pressure I got. At least, during school that's what I thought. But I was wrong.

With a slight twitch, *boom* I'm the weakest person alive. So many things happened to me, so many unexpected things that caused hell-lot-of pressure to me. Funny thing, most of em are personal problems. How come such personal problems can caused me such pressure and make me feel like the weakest person alive? Where is the 'strong' Atika I thought existed before? It was bullshit. That only existed in my head. Not in real life.

But wait, they said "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?". Personally, I approve this statement. It does make me feel stronger, only after I overcome the pressure. It makes me feel like I should fight more. Leave all the unnecessary problems behind and keep my eyes fixed on the goal. So, I guess this is what they called, the Negative Pressure that gives you a Positive Effect?



Friday, May 11, 2012

Ujian

"Sometimes Allah tests us so that we can see the rainbow after a stormy rain. If we can’t see the rainbow in this world, then inshAllah we can in the Hereafter. Just be strong in your heart and mind! Furnish it with faith, love, trust, and sincerity for the sake of Allah. Make your imagination embroidered with His love and light. InshAllah tranquility and contentment will penetrate into our soul. That is when our imagination triumphs over intelligence.
-I saw this quote on Tumblr. 



Honestly, I'm tired of conversation and discussion regarding 'education blablalba'. Seriously, I'm close to giving up with Malaysia's Education System. Its not bias, yeah? No. I don't care. 

Last time, I look at my SPM slip and I am so happy. So happy until I had a thought that my future will be bright, this will be the key to a bright education, I thought. From then, I started to survey scholarship, hoping I would tied to one of those corporate scholarships. Yeah, at that time, you can say that I prioritized scholarships over course. You get what I mean? It means I don't really care what course I'll pursue as long as I get a scholarship. Immature mentality is it? Although my heart said "Medicine!Medicine!Medicine", I ignore it and started preparing my application to few scholarships. IE Axiata, Haha, this is so funny, I thought I'll apply for Axiata for Electrical engineering course. For real? No. That is the impact of getting a good result I guess, you are so bound with all those great scholarships and had a thought "Oh, surely they will pick me pick me!" I know, so immature.

But in the end, I realize. Scholarship is not the important matter now. Why should I do something that I don't like for a good scholarship? I was in a big dilemma as the time for applying scholars was coming to an end. Lastly, I follow my heart. I DIDN'T apply for ANY scholarships. I hope that answers for those who keep on asking me which scholar I get.

Then, I thought I'll wait for UPU or JPA Scholarship announcement. As for JPA, I got the news that they will start their PILN program on 2014 and MOE will give automatic scholarship for Pre U program to those who is eligible. Alhamdulillah I am qualified for the MOE Bursary. I guess that is my only choice. I had no other option. Have to do it. 

The Dilemma strikes again when I had to choose whether to do Foundation (leading to IPTA) or A-Level. I applied for UM. A decision was made, I thought I'll wait for UPU announcement first. My heart said I should go to UM, so I thought I'll choose UM. 

A day before announcement, they called me. They started to questions about my parents and stuff. For real, who is going to continue study, Me or my parents? Does that really matters? I used my uncle's name as guardian. The heck you wanna know about my parents? I have a blue ic card, I am a bumi. A malaysian. I deserved the 'hak asasi bumiputera'. I feel so disappointed. I'm a proud Malaysian, Melayu and I should be treated as one of them. Is that so hard? 

As I expected, I fail to get a place in UM, not even UIA, not even UiTM. I only got and offer to Sarawak. I am still grateful for that. But seriously, I just feel so disappointed. And I thought, "Tidak adil." That was the only word that came into my mind when I found out that I've been rejected by several IPTAs. 

But *sigh*, I try to take everything positively. I believe Almighty had plan a good and clear path for me. I believe in his plan. Have faith in God. Have faith, Have faith. My mother felt sorry for me because I have to face all these rejection and disappointment at young age. But thats okay mother, I will fight for you. I'll fight, because I know you have been through these once. I'll do my best, I'll show them I can be as bright as ever even if I have to fight a lil bit harder. 

For my friends, you guys have chances to study at good institution. You guys have MARA, and several scholars to support you guys. Please use all the chances wisely, please study hard. Yes, study hard and make it worth! ;)